grief

six months in September

hair like hers
wispy and blonde
I see a girl with her mother
alive
I used to have a girl like that
but now she is vanished

I want to borrow her from God
for a day or an hour
please lay her on my chest
warm and alive
let her heave one more breath
but no, she is vanished

my sorrow grows
I want my Abby back
to kiss her and love her
give her back to me
why did you take her?
these outrageous mixed emotions
they suffocate me

she’s decomposed and vanished
I’m tormented
overwhelmed by her absence
yesterday’s tears multiply
I’ve surrendered to my weeping
finally
and I’m exhausted
but this anguish mingles with joy

I’m glad that she’s alive
alive alive alive
God is holding her
He’s holding me
separate we are now
but we will be reunited

I will touch her soul
and kiss her
oh joy
she’ll know me
sorrow will vanish
anguish and weeping
vanished
joy will come
joy will come

Guinever Van Campen
September 2005

To read, go to grieving with guinever.

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10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Angie  |  December 1, 2006 at 5:57 pm

    I still have this saved on my computer from when you emailed it last September…
    I read it every once in a while and remember and cry….

    Reply
  • 2. Karla  |  December 2, 2006 at 4:14 am

    This is the first time I’ve seen this site, Guinever. I was so struck by your poem and cried.

    Reply
  • 3. healingthroughlove  |  December 5, 2006 at 12:24 am

    I was touched by your poem and I understand the grief. Thank you for sharing it.

    Reply
  • 4. Kate Kelty  |  January 13, 2007 at 12:05 am

    Guinever,

    This is Kate Kelty. Karla suggested that I read your poem. It has touched me deeply…words/phrases/emotions that are so so familiar. Anna would have been two next month. Our baby John will be one next week. Today I took a nap with “her things” I just wanted to send you a message to thank you for your poem and for sharing it. I shed tears for both our girls and our grief as I read it and will now pray a prayer for a breath of fresh healing for us both. Again, thank you.
    Kate Kelty

    Reply
  • 5. kathy, karla's mom  |  January 16, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Guinever, little girls and husbands must be VERY important people up in heaven….as i get older, there seem to be more and more people up with God that i want to see again… i don’t want to see them more than for just a glimpse….but, again to hold and to be held, to touch their hair and be touched back…to laugh and cry and know all the secrets between each moment together…i continue to cry and cry and cry…but i get strength from my daughters…who have taught me about faith…something i have to continue to pray for each day…..faith that there has to be something much stronger than our pain that we feel today to explain why we have to experience this pain…sometimes i can’t breath hard enough for myself and for others to notice, but you are breathing for me and i will try harder to breath for others…thank you for opening your heart to me, and others, that need to be healed along with you…love, kathy

    Reply
  • 6. gavin  |  January 17, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing Guinever. This has really meant a lot to me.

    Reply
  • 7. homeschoolin' momma  |  May 11, 2007 at 8:54 am

    This is beautiful. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. Thank you for sharing this.
    ~Kim

    Reply
  • 8. mom to 3  |  March 11, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    this poem has touched my heart. im a mom to three, ive never lost a child but i lost my mom in 2001 and it was such a hard thing to deal with, i dont know how or what it would feel like comming close to loosing a child. you have an amazingly beautiful guardian angel watching over you and soon you and her will unite together in heaven. till then may your dreams always be filled with love!

    God Bless

    The Caron Family

    Reply
  • 9. Ali  |  July 11, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    I loved your poem. Very true words, that I myself can’t even begin to comprehend. You do great justice with your simple words, Miss Guinever, they depict a sorrow that reaches beyond their text-book meanings. Thank you for sharing.

    ~Ali

    Reply
  • 10. Natalie  |  September 1, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    I lost my six year old nephew to a tragedy, and this really touched me. So beautiful. I am sorry for your loss. I understand this kind of pain. It is difficult to describe. I pray God pours His healing rain onto you, the kind when it falls the sun still shines. Warmly, Natalie

    Reply

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